Wednesday, March 26, 2025

Conker vs Howard the Duck (Rareware vs Marvel): Round 1 Fight Blogs

"I believe that everyone has good days and bad days, but you can't let the bad times beat you down” - Bobby Deol

Conker the Squirrel, Rareware’s ridiculously rabid red squirrel who had an unbelievably bad fur day

Howard the Duck, Marvel’s furious foul-mouthed waterfowl trapped in a world he never made

Have you ever had a bad day? Just one unnaturally annoying span of 24 hours where nothing seems to go right? Well, these two anthropomorphic ass-kickers certainly did, where they were trapped in a strange new land they never made, with adventures they never wanted. With guns ablaze and wacky arsenals to boot, nothing will stop them from their next payday, and if you try? Well, you’ll be having one bad &#$%ing day yourself, pal.

Round 1: FIGHT!!!

Before We Start…

Business as… well, as usual as you can get with these mangy little wackos. Both get their standard media, where Conker will receive all of his game appearances, while Howard receives his own comic appearances as well. No alternate versions of either character are allowed, and we will be taking their standard/semi-standard arsenals. Anything obviously non-standard, like all the times Howard became a Cosmic God, will be excluded (but hey, if you’d rather see Deadpool the Duck and the time Howard became the Silver Stork, check out Bang’s Blogs: Howard the Duck vs Detective Chimp). If that blog and this seem similar, it's because I did all of Howard's research, so it's not plagiarized or anything silly like that. It was simply a duo release from my planning this blog earlier and whatnot. Secondly, Conker is rather infamous for adult subject matter in many forms, so apologies in advance for all that he gets up to. Finally, a huge thank you to Landon for lending his Conker research in a duo-blog, and to Riley for providing the many images like in Scaling.


Enough of that though, let's get into it!


Sources Used:

Background

Conker

“Stupid logo! Ah, that’s better. Marvelous!”

While not a whole lot is known about his exact origins, Conker the Squirrel was just your average rodent rascal who went on all sorts of adventures throughout his youth, thwarting evil in classic cartoon animal adventures. In fact, it was how Conker was originally supposed to be: your typical platformer protagonist similar to the likes of Mario and Banjo-Kazooie. However, in 1999, Rareware decided to take a risk and do something… a bit different. Different how? Different as in turn their kiddy collection platformer into one of the most infamous adult video games of all time. Conker turned from a child into a greedy and selfish buffoon who would spend his days drinking literal gallons at the pub instead of spending time with his girlfriend Berri. This mentality combine with his selfish nature would lead to one of the worst days in his life, or, as he put it, one bad fur day…

On a day that initially seemed rather uneventful, Conker found himself drunk and lost in a mysterious new land, just wanting to go home to Berri. Meanwhile, in a castle far away, the Panther King was going about his business before spilling his milk on his side table. Enraged, he tasked his assistant, Dr. Von Kriplespac, to find him a replacement leg, and the scientist ultimately came to the twisted conclusion that a red squirrel would be the perfect size for the table. So, Conker found himself on a new adventure to get home and avoid the clutches of the Panther King, all while nabbing a few bucks along the way. While the situations Conker found himself in were disgustingly deadly, he was typically able to get himself out of them with his quick wit and headstrong attitude, with his determination to get some sweet, sweet moolah being his main motivation. However, this would end up becoming his hubris.


After meeting up with Berri during his adventure, she and Conker would take part in a bank robbery as an assignment from the mafioso Don Weaso, which ended up being a trap set up by the Panther King to get to Conker. The resulting conflict led to Berri being shot and killed, much to Conker’s sadness and dismay. Despite the loss, he would eventually need to face a borderline copy-infringement Alien that bursted from the Panther King’s chest, and after some help from one of the game’s programmers to kill the alien through bribery, Conker’s long and arduous day had finally come to an end. Conker would go on to usurp the throne and become the king of the land, but as he sat on a throne with all the cash and booze he could ever want, he realized that the one thing he needed was gone: Berri. However, he sat on his throne feeling empty and bitter, regretful that he didn’t cherish what he had while he still had it, and now all he could do was go back to the Cock & Plucker bar to get wasted once again. Exiting it and wandering off into the night, all alone and back where he started, we can only wonder what happened to him next. Even so, whatever may come his way, Conker’s always down to show you just how far a money-grubbing and beer-chugging little red bastard like him can go. 

Howard the Duck

“WAAUUGH”

Marvel is host to many a costumed crusader of justice. Spider-Man has been swinging his way into our hearts since the 60’s, as have multiple superhero teams like the Avengers, Fantastic Four, and the X-Men. Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Captain America, and more are all legendary heroes in their own right, but if you want something unique? Let’s turn the metaphorical page to Cleveland, Ohio, where a sarcastic son of a bitch named Howard the Duck landed. Thanks to the cosmic axis being tilted by Thog the Nether-Spawn, Howard was launched out of his alternate dimension home in Duckworld to our Earth-616. As a duck-person and fish out of water in our reality of “hairless apes,” Mr. Duckson was introduced to all sorts of wacky adventures on his quest to return home. 


On his first adventure, where he was contemplating suicide no less, he unintentionally found and rescued a woman named Beverly from Pro-Rata, and nearly gave his life to save Spider-Man from that foe. After Peter saved him and left the pair by their lonesome, Howard had found a friend who wouldn’t leave him alone despite his flaws and cynicism, and that sparked their journey for years to come. Against all odds and logic, the two fell in love and had a genuinely endearing relationship, which even helped Howard on an emotional level to the point that he quit his addiction to smoking. Sadly, this wouldn’t last because… well, reality hates Howard, for lack of better explanations. More accurately, a reality show hates Howard, as entire years of his life were introduced to countless events of trauma and unwanted adventure by Mojo in a television show that would exploit Howard’s experiences for humor.


As a result of this constant danger and fear for Howard’s life, Beverly left Howard alone, which only served to bring back all of his horrible traits. Even in his many superhero missions, workings for A.R.M.O.R in taking on interdimensional Marvel Zombies, or his detective adventures, Howard could never escape the isolation he was barricaded in from the moment he stepped webbed foot in our dimension. Even despite that and his ever-present depression, Howard eventually managed to set himself free from this cosmic mess of a reality show and Mojo. With one universal wish given to him thanks to his act and as an apology, Howard simply used it to give Beverly happiness and further her career as a veterinarian. That is what makes Howard such a wonderful character, even compared to those other heroes in Marvel. He may not be the strongest or the most hero on the block, and he may often get scared, but nothing he feels can erase his desire to help others, even at his own personal sacrifice. So remember, if you’re out of luck? Always go for Howard the Duck.

Experience & Skill

Conker

Conker’s bad fur days didn’t just start on the N64. He’s been going on wacky adventures for most of his life, having thwarted Professor Von Kriplespac in his younger years as a spy for the Squirrel High Command, saving his birthday party and girlfriend from the Evil Acorn, and even apparently went to Juilliard to further his education. Where sh$t gets real is, of course, when he found himself face-to-face with the likes of the Panther King, and getting caught in the crossfire of a war between the squirrels and the teddy bears.


In terms of skill, Conker can handle many different melee weapons with ease, as well as whatever firearm you put in his fuzzy little hands; handguns, rifles, sniper rifles, and explosives. Where he managed to learn all of this, we may never know, but where Conker truly shines is in his ingenuity and resourcefulness. Partly in thanks to his miraculous ability to pull out whatever tool he needs at any given moment, Conker can outsmart a number of different enemies and use their weaknesses against them. 


This ranges from all manner of crude solutions, like using his urine to put out the Fire Imps, using the Great Mighty Poo’s glass-shattering soprano to flush him down the drain, and overcoming Buga the Knut’s physicality by revealing his tiny penis to the colosseum crowd. If all of this sounds dumb, it’s because it is, but it shows that no matter what batshit crazy situation Conker finds himself in, he’ll always find a way to get himself out of it.

Howard the Duck

He may have been trapped in a world he never made, but Howard sure as hell knows how to make the most of it. He's been on Earth and been through all manner of nonsense for months, then several years as stated twice. In that timeframe, he's been through thick and thin, like scaling an entire cliff with no equipment, fighting and killing a vampire cow, or even helping Santa Claus save Christmas twice. This Duck's pretty adaptive to crisis as well, like how he has fought while in a reality-bending area while quickly adapting to the makeup of it. While he doesn't strike you as someone skilled, per se, Howard has knocked out a wrestler many times his size, defeated a gunman with a simple trash can lid, and has been noted to have training in several mystical arts.


He's worked alongside She-Hulk, fought alongside other Marvel heroes during Secret Invasion, and battled several zombies when working with Miles Morales and Mockingbird. Where he really shines though is his intelligence, which might seem surprising given his cynical doomposting nature. In truth, Howard was revealed as the smartest being in his dimension during Original Sin, maybe ANY dimension, as a virtual webbed “Reed Richards or Albert Einstein”. Sadly, he learned intelligence was a curse due to ridicule and persecution for being special, so he squandered his talents and they atrophied for decades. Somehow, he “dusted it off” while flying through the air, and managed to run over inertia as well as kinetic energy in his head to reverse both and survive an otherwise fatal fall. 


This isn't really a one-note deal either, as even his earlier comics noted he was a soft-spoken brilliant scholar who felt restricted by school, and he graduated it all four years earlier if not four years smarter. Against Dr. Bong, he determined how his powers worked from the pitch and frequency of his bell strikes, and later combined random circuits in seconds to blow him up. Similarly, he has figured out the mechanics of a slot machine like robot to stall him and quickly escape, or how about when he instantly defeated a plant monster while saving his hostages by lighting him on fire with a cigar? His quick-thinking and intelligence are complimented by Spider-Man, and he's used both to determine his being in an illusionary replication of his reality, find secret tunnels in the area he was in per context, and use Wizard’s Anti-Grav discs to defeat his ally when they were used on him mere seconds ago.


Arsenal

Conker

Anti-Gravity Chocolate

Conker’s hunger for cash is only matched by his hunger for this interesting candy, which can heal him should he find and pick some up.

Firearms

Sometimes a situation is too serious for a comically-oversized frying pan to solve. Conker has used a wide variety of different guns in his adventures, including but not limited to submachine guns, rifles, shotguns, handguns, sniper rifles, rocket launchers and flamethrowers.

Explosives

Eat your heart out, Bomberman. When he needs to blow something to smithereens, Conker can use a variety of different explosives. These include your standard cartoon-like bombs, sticks of TNT, many different grenades (frag, gas, stun, napalm, etc), crates of TNT, or unlimited Molotov cocktails.

Slingshot

One of Conker’s trustiest and long-standing weapons, the slingshot is a simple projectile-firing weapon that uses nuts as ammunition.

Frying Pan

Sometimes a situation is a bit too wacky for a gun to solve. Conker regularly carries around a giant frying pan that’s good for whacking just about anyone with.

Baseball Bat

A good ol’ baseball bat to send foes away with a home run.

Chainsaw

He’s gonna use it for a bit more than cutting down trees.

Katana

A sword that Conker gets at the end of the game to defeat the alien.

Throwing Knives

In order to save Franky from hanging himself, Conker used some throwing knives to help cut him down.

Blowtorch

A handheld blowtorch that Conker used to burn airborne enemies in the barn.


Gas Mask

 

A protective gas mask that can protect Conker from putrid smells and other harmful toxins.

Headlamp

A helmet with a lamp on the front that allows Conker to see in dark places, though could also help protect his noggin.

Pocket Watch

During the colosseum level, Conker pulls out a small pocket watch and uses it to hypnotize Fangy the Raptor, pacifying it and letting him ride it around.

Helicopter Pack

In the Microsoft Hololens game Young Conker (what.), he can utilize a helicopter pack that allows him to fly around, and comes equipped with a minigun to shoot enemies.


Dragon Helmet

In one of Conker’s more recent adventures, Project Spark, he used a fire-breathing helmet like another greedy Nintendo narcissist with a love for garlic, which also allows him to grow to much larger sizes.


Howard

Firearms 

When the Duck is out of luck and on the run, his most trusty ally is an old-fashioned gun. Howard's been known to use revolvers, handguns, joke rifles, machine guns, and more! His more war-based journeys have also had him wield a bazooka, massive machine guns, bomb launchers, and grenades. For more sci-fi based gear, Howard's also stolen an Anti-Gravity Gun while in the Collector prison to grab and fling enemies around, or an ever-overplayed laser gun he picked up.


Sword


From the original and iconic story cover, Howard’s also used one while adventuring with Doop.


Bat

He may drive you batty, but watch out for his using a real bat (he only has it on the cover but shush). 


Taser

After stealing this earlier in the issue, Howard got a little trigger-happy with this shocking weapon.


Heh.


Big Freakin’ Gun

Back before Doomslayer was actually cool and was still getting railed by Master Chief, Howard had his own, aptly named, Big Freaking Gun. It is a pistol almost as large as Howard himself, which fires equally massive blasts to blow you to smithereens. While it does run on limited ammo, it's usually powerful enough to be the first and last shot needed. 


No-Thing/Ultimate Annihilator

(Insert joke about how every comics character gets a stupid power upgrade eventually)

Little known fact about Howard the Duck: he originated in comics about Man-Thing, Marvel's guardian of the Nexus. They actually share a close bond as friends, and in that bond, Man-Thing gifted Howard the ultimate failsafe against his own existence swayed to malice. That object was the No-Thing, otherwise known as the Absolute Annihilator. With this legendary device, one can, and I quote “destroy anything” should you control your fear. It was found in the Microverse, but originated in the Nexus between universes as an object of immeasurable power. It is quite similar to the more famous Ultimate Nullifier, and was outright compared to it by Galactus himself, who promptly ran off rather than face it. While the Nullifier runs on intelligence, the No-Thing relies on the bravery of the user; fitting, given whoever knows fear burns at the Man-Thing's touch.


In Howard’s case, he literally does not know the meaning of fear. At his best, he can stare death in the eye and not even flinch, which is probably why he of all cosmic Guardians was given such a prize. With it, he can unleash massive energy blasts that pretty much wipe you out of existence on a scale even Psycho's Man's genius can only dream of, like when he erased a time-displaced Fantastic Four team in one shot (which includes people with cosmic immortality like Ghost Rider). He's harnessed his emotions at his best to use it without a hitch if he wants to, and most impressively, it has been repeatedly stated or implied as capable of outright killing Man-Thing. Astonishing to be sure, given Man-Thing's standing as a cosmic entity tied to the greater multiverse, let alone his power on a scale akin to such a construct. 


As for Howard himself, given he was handed this device by Man-Thing as a precautionary measure that he kept safe for years, it should be considered and applicable should all other options fail. 


Abilities

Conker

Context Sensitivity

Much like a certain wascally wabbit, Conker has the ability to pull out whatever item he needs in nearly any particular situation, particularly a good majority of his weapons and guns, as well as other tools and supplements like batteries for his helmet and confidence pills or Alka Seltzer. In Project Spark, some of the abilities he gets from these are a bit more elaborate, like getting a dragon suit that breathes fire, weaponizing his farts to stun enemies, and donning an afro to hypnotize enemies into dancing.

Resurrection

Within the Conker series, it is told to us by Gregg the Grim Reaper that squirrels are a “special case” in that they can essentially cheat death and come back to life as many times as they think they can get away with. Within gameplay, however, this is represented by the amount of extra lives that Conker can find throughout the game, so the fact that it is acknowledged that Conker does come back to life after each death proves that he does have resurrection. In total, there are 7 extra lives that Conker can find throughout his initial journey, and one red tail that gives him an extra 10, and taking into account the two he starts with after meeting Gregg, Conker can have up to 19 extra tries.

Tail Helicopter

A technique in which Conker twirls his tail like a helicopter blade to pass over large gaps.

Anvil Ground Pound

Conker can transform himself into an anvil to crush enemies beneath him or activate switches that require a bit more oomph to activate.

Peeing


By getting drunk enough, Conker can utilize his urine to surprisingly good effect, being able to put out fires and push around large boulder monsters. Bro’s got that strong stream.


Fourth Wall Awareness

Befitting of his parodic nature, Conker is aware that he is a character in a video game, often talking to the player directly and poking fun at certain aspects of the game, and while not particularly combat applicable, he was able to convince one of the game’s programmers to give him a leg up in his fight with the alien. He was even aware of the fact that certain events were changed from the original game in the Xbox remake.


Howard the Duck

Duckworld Physiology

Howard's biology and mess of a genetic map is a result of his originating from Duckworld, an alternate dimension where birds evolved thousands of years ahead of schedule to resemble an odd human-duck hybrid. His teeth and beak can dismember giant cookie monsters (don't ask) or poke people on the head, while he himself is agile enough to hop over enemies heads like a Ninja. 


Quack-Fu

Any comic book enthusiast has probably heard of Howard's time as a master of Kung-Fu, or as he put it, Quack-Fu. After a trip to Master C’haaj Martial Arts Extravaganza (buy one lesson, get one free!), Howard learned much in less than a day. Specifically, he developed balance, physical poise, mastery of the staff, reflexes honed to perfection, speed faster than the eye can follow, postures in attack and defense, and applying the strength of his will to break mental barriers. He quite literally achieved “a lifetime of study” in 3 hours and 17 minutes, and believe me, it shows. 


After tearing Count Macho (a fellow master martial artist) a new one, he's used it to equal or greater results elsewhere. He's stated it involves using his Chi and that he is a master of it, while showcasing flying kicks against a mob. While he has at times called it “a joke,” several sources have cited him as a master of the form, while also noting it makes him quite deadly despite his relative lack of exercise.


Accuracy/Marksmanship

Given his usage of firearms, Howard has quite the eagle eye for precision. His first combat showing had him pick up a revolver while claiming he was such a crack shot that he never missed, and he landed a shot to the heart without a problem to prove it. The story itself has stated his accuracy hits with that “eagle-eyed precision” I mentioned prior, like when he threw a cigar to burn through a rope.


Willpower and Courage

You wouldn't necessarily believe the guy whose catchphrase is “WAUGHHHH” would be much of a hero, but when push comes to shove, Howard sticks to his guns more than anybody else. Even early on when he was much more skittish, he was capable of massive bursts of courage while fighting monsters, and was noted to have an indomitable will by Dr. Strange. That was actually proven when he and Deadpool merged into Deadpool the Duck, where Howie had frequent willpower duels with Wade over control of their new body, and even overpowered his will outright.


Vehicular Mastery

Howard can drive pretty much everything you put in front of him, which includes piloting a car flying through an alien dimension.


4th Wall Breaking

While he's not as obnoxious about it as somebody like Deadpool, Howard has shown knowledge of the metaphorical 4th Wall, as in us, the readers of his comics. He's finished sentences of the narrator, spoke to the reader, and acknowledged he was in the Marvel universe specifically. He's also been shown as aware of his genre as social satire, the story itself or who it's about, and he even peeled back the page of the comic itself to speak about his story directly to the reader.


Resistances


Armor

Conker

Mech Suit


During the final mission, in order to fight Heinrich, Conker commandeers a large yellow mechanical suit. It comes equipped with two giant claws that can smack around the alien, as well as a jetpack that allows him to hover for a short moment to avoid its attacks.

Iron Duck

When facing Dr. Bong, Howard was forced to equip the Iron Duck armor. Made by an eccentric ally, this cobbled together suit has flame-thrower hands, spring-boots, a radio to speak to others through the armor, and the power to crash through walls like nothing. It also bears a diamond drill in the rear end to dive through floors, and a searchlight for potential blinding attacks. 


Black Armor

After finding the armory of Kraven the Hunter's ally at the time, Howard played mechanic and made a suit for himself to fight her outright. It has a Mace that can block energy blasts, an energy ring to shoot his own volleys of energy, and heat vision that can blast lasers.


Feats

Conker

Overall

  • Survived having one hell of a Bad Fur Day

  • Defeated the Evil Acorn and saved his girlfriend

  • Went on spy adventures in his younger years

  • Fought alongside the squirrels in the war against the Tediz

  • Defeated the Great Mighty Poo, Dr. Von Kriplespac and the Panther King

  • Became the new king of the land. Who would’ve thought that?

Power


Speed

Durability

Howard the Duck

Overall


Power


Speed


Durability


Scaling

Conker

Various Villains

Since Conker has fought and defeated every boss or foe across his games, he should generally compare to all of them, through physicality and weapons.

Howard the Duck

Dr. Bong

As Howard's most powerful villain, Bong is more of a benchmark than anything else. Howard was pretty frequently portrayed as below him physically, and his Iron Duck armor was only able to stall him. Still, with more battle examples as of late, and even a time he knocked him out with a shovel, Howard could likely compare to him.


Linda the Duck

For those unaware, Linda the Duck is a genetic duplicate of Howard made by the Collector for… uh, mating procedures and ensuring his collection doesn't die alone (weird and kind of nice but still). Both Linda and her sister in everything but blood, Shocket (clone of Rocket Raccoon) went on several adventures as part of a time-displaced mess I can't very well explain. Regardless, as a clone of Howard, Linda would have the same general capabilities as he does, 


Rocket Raccoon (not a Raccoon, Flark-Face)

As the other main sarcastic fuzzball of the cosmos, Rocket is actually a sort of intergalactic brother to Howard when the chips are down. After they met in the Collector's prison, they've worked together elsewhere, and Howard has dodged his attacks (both physical and his firearms) or fought with him and against him as Deadpool the Duck. Similarly, as we mentioned prior, Linda is a clone of Howard, and her sister Shocket is a clone of Rocket, so she should be comparable to whatever he can pull off physically. Since Linda can likely compare to Shocket given they've worked together for years, the same would apply to Howard as well. 


Deadpool (Debatable)

Everyone's favorite Merc with the Mouth, and every bloggers overused scaling chain man for Marvel's street-tiers. Howard has crossed paths with Wade a few times with varying results that make actually scaling him to Wilson more complex than you'd think, but either way, his fears will be listed here, and whether or not Howard scales will be detailed Before the Verdict.



Weaknesses

Conker

(Yes we’re using this again because it’s that bad. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea for a game?)

If it wasn’t obvious, Conker’s kind of a… well, a dumbass. His greed and selfishness can get himself into more trouble than he’s worth, and he often doesn’t think things through before heading into danger. While he can come back from death, it is still a finite amount of times, and has been shown that he can die just like any normal living creature once he runs out of retries.

Howard the Duck

(Genuinely, don’t. Never read this part of his history.)

Howard’s far from a perfect specimen at the end of the day. Select mental hax, like spells that knock you unconscious or hypnosis (though admittedly he has broken out of this through Beverly), have proven effective in the past. This is the same with paralyzing powers from Dr. Bong, knockout gasses, or even simple knife stabs at his more stationary points. 


Before The Verdict


Does Howard actually scale to Street-Tiers?

(Crazy how two different blogs have basically the same BTV section)


With all the debate nowadays if simply fighting someone in comics leads directly to that level of scaling (think any Herald™ character for scaling to Thor or whoever), it does seem a bit odd Howard would come under scrutiny. Understandably, somebody like Howard the Duck matching a super-soldier like Captain America feels… wrong. Is it? Let's see.  


Starting off with why he wouldn’t scale to street tiers, Howard has a good amount of antifeats and attributes notably weaker than other superhuman characters Marvel has to offer. For example, guidebooks frequently note that he possesses no superhuman strength, and go so far as to say he doesn’t even exercise much. That’s a pretty evident night-and-day difference from masters of physical combat like Captain America, Deadpool, Cyclops, Moon Knight, or any of the other heroes that actually possess these sorts of feats. This is also further emphasized with what Howard is to begin with; social satire. He’s always been a different breed of hero compared to virtually all of Marvel’s crowd of spandex, because he was never really meant to be one to begin with. Howard himself has said his physique is “decidedly not assassin” in relation to Deadpool the Duck performing all sorts of crazy shenanigans. 


Going further into that, when Howard merged with Deadpool, he noted that all of the skilled feats he got up to were attributed to Deadpool’s metabolism and muscle memory (more on that later). Even beyond these examples, Howard has his fair share of “fraud” showings that further cause doubt on actually scaling to superhuman people, like being knocked out in one strike by a Skrull posing as Aunt May (lol, lmao even). So, narratively, logically, and statistically, Howard is clearly not on the exact same level as these sorts of feats… usually.


Moving on to why he would scale to street tiers, even though he’s noted as average in strength, he’s still had his fair share of times where he was objectively damn near matching street-tiers. For one thing, he has multiple means to compare to Deadpool and Rocket, who are no slouch in general standing. He’s restrained Deadpool’s arm and kicked him back in a compilation of other characters doing the same, and there’s also the repeated matter of Deadpool the Duck. Earlier, we noted that it was his muscle memory and metabolism that enabled Howard to fight as well as he did, but the point of their fusion is that it is both parties combined into one. It is still more akin to Howard’s body than it is to Deadpool’s, and while plenty of his training carried over to this new amalgamation, it wasn’t exactly entirely his doing.


At numerous times during this event, it was usually referred to as more of Howard’s body than Deadpool’s meaning you can generally use it as a sort of physical comparison. Obviously, Wade’s transferred skills are important, but Howard very clearly put in SOME of the work. To support this, at one point Dr. Bong fought Deadpool the Duck on even footing. Once unfused, Howard proceeded to knock out Dr. Bong with a shovel smash, when again, his Deadpool self earlier was fighting him evenly. More notably, early in his career, Howard fought and killed Bessie the Hellcow, where he dodged her attacks and stabbed her through weaponry. This matters because in more recent comics (which also recount this battle as more in Howard’s favor) Hellcow fought alongside Deadpool directly in both strength and speed terms. 


As for Rocket, not only has Howard dodged both his weaponry and his physical attack on him, but another important matter is the time both Howard and Rocket were cloned by the Collector. For those unaware, their clones, Linda the Duck and Shocket Raccoon, were gender-swapped duplicates made to repopulate their species (side note, stay away from Collector’s internet history). Genetically, they are exactly the same in terms of physicality, which is important because Linda obviously worked with Shocket in combat for decades thanks to a very long story involving time travel. She’s also piloted spaceships as well, and again, she is a clone of Howard, who works with a clone of Rocket. 


Beyond those examples, there’s still more we can pull from where Howard can hit above his normal ballpark, such as when he fought and appeared to be beating Beetle (this current version explicitly has a suit with super-strength making her able to lift one ton which also boosts her defense). It should also be brought up that knowing Quack-Fu is consistently stated to make Howard quite the formidable fighter, almost as a substitute for lacking true superhuman attributes that still allows him to fight without it.


So, is Howard street-tier or not? While both cases can be made, it seems more falls in line with Howard downscaling their level than anything else. Narratively it may seem strange, but that same narrative also has him slug it out with people similar to Deadpool (Hellcow and Dr. Bong), compare to master mercenaries like Rocket Raccoon, and explicitly describe him as a deadly fighter despite a lack of superhuman ability thanks to Quack-Fu. A major point of Howard’s adventures across the board is his cowardice vs his desire to do good, with the former often causing him to not try his hardest in fear of getting hurt. When he actually gives it his all, he’s legitimately proven at the least similar to these characters, and downscaling should be acceptable thanks to that.


Verdict


Normally I would have a script, but I've been busy. I will add one as soon as I can. 

Stats

Conker and Howard may not strike you as particularly powerful, but there’s far more up their sleeves than would appear at first glance.


Concerning base physical feats, both have lifted or knocked around objects much bigger than them, used several physical weapons to great effect, taken on fighters much bigger than them, and the list goes on. For raw numbers, much of it comes from scaling or explosions, so let’s get into those. Conker compares to virtually everybody in his games, while Howard should compare to feats from characters like Rocket and Deadpool (see Before the Verdict for more information if you want the logic). Numerically, this actually lends Howard a sizable advantage for the most part.


Conker survived a tank explosion up to 50 tons of TNT, and he can compare to characters like the Evil Acorn surviving being launched out of orbit, which lands 9.5 tons of TNT on the lowest end. On Howard’s end, Rocket survived an explosion equal to the Evil Acorn’s feat, and has an example of tanking volcanic eruption worth about 350 tons of TNT; 7 times more powerful than Conker’s tank explosion. Deadpool has similar feats as well for lower and higher ends, and this solidly places Howard as strong or stronger than Conker… for most of his ends. Should you take the 100 Kiloton end of the Acorn’s space launch, he would easily outmatch Howard, but it’s more complex than that. The example shown is a bit hard to justify due to perspective and the cartoon logic, making it unclear how much the Acorn flew, and thus making it more debatable then anything else. Assuming you did use it anyway, it would vastly outmatch any kiloton ends for Marvel street-tiers, which Howard would still downscale rather than outright scale. 


So, Howard would hold the advantage in lower ends, but lose in higher ends. One thing that would not change no matter how lenient you are with both is their speed. Both have similar bullet-timing examples without scaling, but that’s where Conker caps, while Howard would still generally compare to people like Deadpool and Rocket, who reach hypersonic, massively hypersonic, or even laser-timing examples. It may seem a bit odd to apply this to Howard, but he does have examples of keeping up with someone like Rocket outright, and early in his career he killed Hellcow, who could fight on Deadpool’s later in hers. All of that simply lends Howard a far higher speed cap, and at worse, they would be about even. 


So, Howard takes strength and speed through tie or surpassing Conker, but would lose in power at highest arguments.

Arsenal & Abilities

Befitting their wacky gun-toting natures, these asinine assholes have multiple weapons to throw at each other. Both have access to various firearms with high amounts of ammo (handguns, machine guns, bazookas, etc), various bombs, melee weapons like bats and frying pans, bladed tools such as swords and chainsaws, deadlier tools like tasers and fire blasts, and more! This includes their mechs, which generally add the same benefits of a few extra gadgets and enhanced strength. 


To his credit, thanks to context sensitivity, Conker has shown a more versatile arsenal overall. It could very well lend him pretty big area of effect moves like farting or forcing Howard to dance, or hypnotizing methods such as the pocket watch. He also has a few methods for flight (brief or no) for decent area control, and his abilities are nothing to scoff at either. Bring able to grow into a giant, ground pound as an anvil, pull out any weapon he wants, or simply come back after death thanks to his nature as a Red Squirrel makes fighting him quite the puzzle. Luckily for Howard, he has everything he needs to solve it. 


While Howard isn't as versatile overall in abilities or arsenal, the relationship between their quantity and quality favors him quite well. For example, both have various firearms with extra ammo, but Howard clearly has better accuracy given showings and statements, like aiming for a heart shot the instant he got a gun. Even if they would be at similar speed, this simply gives Howard more wiggle room in a shootout due to that accuracy ensuring he would get a kill quicker. Conker's more useful AOE or hax-based abilities are few and far between, and are usually restricted to, well, the context they are in, and not necessarily instantly applicable here. Even if they were, the AOE is only useful if Howard is weaker, which he shouldn't be, and it requires getting somewhat close to him to use, while Howard can just shoot him at will. 


Hypnosis could be useful, but Howard could potentially resist it given similar has happened before. It also requires Howard to stand still and actively get hypnotized, and he's more than smart enough to see that coming. Beyond that, their arsenals more or less match each other, but plenty of Conker's abilities and gadgets don't serve many purposes here. His urinating can't do much other than piss Howard off, while his exploration gear like the gas mask is in a similar boat. 


Of course, none of this would matter if Howard couldn't keep Conker dead. He's got 17 lives up his sleeve, and according to Death himself, these extra lives need to be burned through before he can die for good. This process could very well tire out Howard before he could permanently kill Conker, who would grab the win by default. The issue is that not only does Howard hold solid edges in strength and speed realistically speaking, making this not much of a chore considering his many attack options. There's also the factor of Howard’s greatest weapon, the No-Thing. This essential Ultimate Nullifier and its wide area of effect has more than enough raw power to kill Conker on the spot, and even if he could come back barring potential hax comparisons to the U.N, nothing stops Howard from doing it again. 


Even without the No-Thing, Howard's accuracy and various firearms means he's more than capable of consistently killing Conker on repeat until he stays down, like through the BFG. With multiple counters and advantages, as well as an edge in stats and later tertiary factors, Howard won't have much trouble putting Conker down for good, even if it takes a while.

Tertiary Factors

Finally, in tertiary factors, Howard triumphs once more.


In experience, both have various wacky adventures across several new lands and against multiple monstrous foes, and have done so for years. Intelligence though is not a contest. Conker has been tricked and is even still not the smartest tool in the shed; often being driven by carnal desires and not caring for mistakes made. Howard comparatively is a genius with several examples of exploiting enemy powers and abilities near-instantly, and is much more likely to trick Conker than anything else. Skill is also relatively easy to decipher, given Howard's mastery of Quack-Fu and constant examples of countering enemy advantages like higher strength or wacky powers. Conker never had a literal lifetime's worth in training, and he's thus sorely outmatched here.


Howard holds the important tertiary edges here.

Conclusion

Conker

“I may be King, and have all the money in the world… and all the land… and all that stuff! But, you know, I don’t really think I want it. I just wanna go home, with Berri, and, I don’t know, have a bottle of beer. Hm (sigh) ...it’s not gonna happen. It’s true what they say: the grass is always greener, and you don’t always know what it is you have until it’s gone, gone, gone.”

Advantages: 

  • Stronger depending on usage of the Evil Acorn space launch

  • Wields a few potential hax options ot useful abilities that could spell trouble

  • More versatile through context sensitivity

  • Superior 4th Wall Breaking examples (though neither are very combat-based)

  • Could potentially tire Howard out with his extra lives


Disadvantages:

  • Weaker on more logical ends

  • Always slower

  • More or less matched in arsenal examples like firearms and weapons

  • No counter to the No-Thing, even with his pseudo-immortality

  • Less skilled and intelligent

Howard the Duck

“You don’t have to be afraid of us hurting you anymore, or be scared that you will hurt us, or whatever it is that goes on inside your mudball brain. There’s nothing to fear.”

Advantages:

  • Generally holds greater strength 

  • Equal in speed or faster, and would win a quick-draw thanks to reflexes and those factors

  • Accuracy and firearm quantity mean he would always get his shot first

  • The No-Thing is an unstoppable counter to Conker’s immortality

  • Just as experienced, but much more skilled and intelligent


Disadvantages:

  • Weaker in some interpretations

  • Potentially vulnerable to some hax options Conker wields 

  • Not as versatile overall due to context sensitivity

  • Inferior 4th Wall Breaking examples (though neither are very combat-based)

  • Could get tired out by Conker’s extra lives


Conker definitely gives Howard a run for his money, but the Duck has everything he needs to go the distance. His matching or higher stats in both categories lend him the advantage up-close, especially when taking Quack-Fu into account. At range, their arsenals mostly cancel out, but Howard's greater accuracy and sheer amount of ranged tools ensure he would win more times than not. Some of Conker’s abilities and tools can spell trouble, but Howard has counters for them all, including his immortality through the No-Thing and his general advantages elsewhere. That includes skill and intelligence, in which he sorely outmatches Conker. The ace duck-tective has left this case closed, and Conker’s had his last bad fur day. 


The winner… is Howard the Duck.


Final Tally


Conker (0) - Man, this really was a bad fur day…


Howard the Duck (2) - Landon, Round 1 Fight



Why I like it

Conker vs Howard may seem like a somewhat odd pick given the recent Howard vs Chimp blog and the team obviously preferring Shrek vs Conker, but in my personal opinion, this works better for both characters.


Connections

  • Both are anthropomorphic animal parody characters of mediums and constant real-life phenomenon despite their cartoony look (Conker was a parody of cute-sy cartoon Rareware games like Banjo-Kazooie and Donkey Kong, while Howard was a parody of horror stories, cartoons, and politics meshed into one).

  • Due to their parody nature, both have very similar adventures (fight all kinds of parody creatures, have adult addictions like smoking and drinking, use plenty of wacky weaponry) while being a more grim and nihilistic story at times.

  • Their journey comes about from their being trapped in a new land (Conker got drunk and found himself in a new kingdom of enemies, while Howard was ripped from his dimension into Earth-616). In this new world, they had to put away their desires to go home to help others or go on adventures they never wanted to; constantly griping about it or simply talking with dry wit/sarcasm that makes up their stories.

  • A huge part of both their stories is their girlfriends and how it plays into the nihilistic nature of their stories, as well as their depression (Conker got Berri inadvertently killed through his escapades and became the king, but squandered a chance to get her back and thus fell into depression at his constant greed only robbing him of the one thing he couldn't get back. Howard eventually had Beverly leave him due to her fearing for his life, and he himself became constantly terrified that he could never escape constant danger of death. He started to realize Beverly was right, and became all the more depressed at how he was a magnet for trouble)

    • Conversely, both are the extreme examples of dealing with this (Conker just fell deeper into his problems without hope and had his tale end on a dark note, while Howard managed to move past his problems, get aid with addictions, and still help people to ease his conscience). Think of it like a less contrasting Cole vs Alex/Homelander vs Hancock, where one is an opposite to a darker character that can cause cool interactions on either potentially falling into being at peace with their death for example, leading to their pain being over for once.

  • Extra: Howard's Volume 3 is basically Conker's game in terms of edge/story, both have been transformed into other animals, were enraptured in horror parodies, and briefly became/tried to be rulers (Conker became a king before leaving and Howard once tried to become president).


Essentially, it can be summed up as “parody cartoon animals thrown into a new land they never wanted, with dark stories about their emotional state, and their girlfriends actions shaping a contrast of fall and fall vs fall and growth.” It’s obviously not as connection-heavy for me to claim that this match is perfect for each other, but when considering other factors, I believe it is. 


Starting, what really draws me into things are the character and ability interactions. Both of their dry wit and jokes thrown in mid-combat, as they often do, especially in relation to their weapons, could heavily serve to simply make the other mad and create better banter as a result. Howard would obviously call Conker disgusting should he try any of his more childish plays like weaponizing his own urine or literally farting in his face, while Conker could simply break the 4th wall at any of Howard’s weirder gear for a snide remark. Since both can and would do that, which makes it essentially a Stitch vs Rocket scenario but with banter across both sides, let’s talk about fight dynamics.


Unlike their other options, Conker vs Howard is really just something made for both characters. Their similar arsenals but Conker’s more crude powers force Howard to work around them or simply react to them in an annoyed fashion to increase banter potential, and Conker to push the limits of what he’s shown off in game for unexpected plays. More than anything, it would probably be quite humorous, given their tendency to scream and despair in combat (just imagine Howard going “WAAUGGH” while running away screaming from something like Conker farting and lighting that blast on fire, akin to cartoon logic). Both of their multiple methods for ranged combat, as well as close-quarters, mean you can really do anything you want for all manner of fight choices. One can easily have them get in a sword fight while unintentionally or intentionally parodying anime, have it resort to fisticuffs where Howard uses Quack-Fu to style on Conker, or have it go to range for Conker to dodge bullets like Neo or parody more war movies. 


This also allows both to use their more out-of-the-box style of thinking, where Conker’s context sensitivity and cruder fighting style could be used as counter measures to Howard in areas he won’t see coming until the last second, where he can only react with disgust or played up fear. Conversely, Howard being the more skilled fighter would likely allow him to outwit Conker in the fight for writing purposes, like maybe tricking him into gunning down the support beams of the building they are in to have it crash down on him by playing the cowardly fool. Given both have robot armor, you can reasonably end things on that note, making for a powerful and serious clash as opposed to everything before. This would also lead to the emotional aspect, which is my favorite angle due to the fact that narratively, Howard is the perfect person to fight and defeat Conker. 


As I mentioned earlier, both are essentially nihilistic and cynical most of the time, in story and character, and they are the full conclusions to that road. Conker’s story had him fall deeper into it and never escape, where he ended wishing he enjoyed what he had while he still had it, and wandering into the darkness (metaphorically and literally). On the opposite end, Howard managed to pull himself out of the darkness through new friends that grew to love him, and accepted the craziness of his life to simply be the best version of himself, rather than whine and cower over a life he never wanted. In a lot of ways their journeys are almost identical, where they were ripped from their home, tossed in a new one they never wanted, and tried to get out through their usual methods of dry wit, crude adventures, tons of weaponry, and more. However, Conker never learned from his ways and became trapped in his flaws, while Howard did, and actually achieved the closest thing to a happy ending that he could get.


Their girlfriends play a large factor in this, as they are the driving force behind much of their character development. Conker missing Berri and squandering a chance to save her life is one of if not the primary reasons why he became so depressed by games end; because he never valued her until it was too late. Howard has a similar case with Beverly, where she left him because of the life he lived, and he could not change it nor explain any of it to her, so he was forced to accept the one person who stuck with him leaving. This really ties back into the nature of their stories in general, where both lost something special to them in a normal life back home, struggled to get it back, but never succeeded. This is furthered in how their girlfriends, and the closest substitute of that happy normal life, left them, which resulted in falling further into this darkness. Howard though was able to break himself out of it, and he would unironically be the perfect ending to Conker’s character.


Picture this for a fight concept (writing this in my script eventually): Conker and Howard meet at a bar and eventually get into a fight. Throughout it, we see Conker make choices or speak in examples that indicate his depression post-Bad Fur Day, which would eventually culminate in realizing he is out of options against Howard, like through the No-Thing. Rather than cower, Conker would simply accept it, which could potentially lead to Howard realizing that and talking to him about it. In a more emotional ending, Howard could realize that Conker is what he once was and what he could have been, which would make him feel more sad than anything else that death is the only peace Conker will ever have. Conker would in turn thank him for that peace, and in my idea, rise to the afterlife with Berri waiting for him, giving him a happier ending that he can notify Howard of in a sweeter nod to inform him the choice he made wasn’t as depressing as it seemed.


In short, I like it for the simple but powerful connections, sarcastic and humorous fight dynamic, fantastic emotional angle, and all of the plays you can make for staying true to both their stories and really highlighting the emotional depths they go despite their cartoon appearance. What do you think? Let me know, and thanks for reading!

Next Time…

Now then, this next time is a little bit different than usual. In short, I have been conducting a match-up Tournament in my blog server on Discord, where over ⅓ of the people in it submitted vs ideas against each other (think Death Battle’s own Tournament of Champions). In this, my Tournament of Titans, we have finally come to a conclusion. Ten match-up ideas were left and settled through strawpoll, and the top 3 winners will become official blogs that you will see from me and my team in the future. 3rd place will be my next blog, so feel free to DM me if you are interested. Now then… how about those winners?
at 13 comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

Conker vs Howard the Duck (Rareware vs Marvel): Round 1 Fight Blogs

"I believe that everyone has good days and bad days, but you can't let the bad times beat you down” - Bobby Deol Conker the Squirr...